UGH. I had really hoped to have some news (some POSITIVE news) in regard to our newest roadblock with DHR and them requiring a medical exam for Matthew. I do not.
I KNOW it sounds like it should be so easy. And it should. And it’s not. And I can’t explain it and that is what is making me so agitated. But really, it has been this way throughout our adoption process when things happen, paperwork gets held up, doors slam shut in your face. All you can think (and all anyone can ask you) is:
“But why can’t they just….”
“Wouldn’t it be easier if…..”
“There has to be a better way, a more efficient way…..”
But it is what it is. I can’t just wave my arms and have Matthew magically at the doctor with all of the paperwork he needs. And I can’t just sweetly call this woman and say, “you don’t understand, I really want my son to come home. We were really planning this wonderful Thanksgiving celebration!”. After all, supposedly she is doing her job. And I would feel too lame to complain about that because at any job I have ever held, I am the annoying stickler who enforces and follows all the rules.
It’s just so annoying. And this is going to sound awful of me to say it, but I just got this e-mail from an acquaintance with pictures of her new baby. The last time I saw her was when we were starting our adoption–heck it may have even been before that. She was talking about not even wanting kids yet. And in that time, she has not only come around to the idea, but gotten pregnant, given birth, and is returning to work this week. These smug pregnant women and their due dates! And it’s not that I’m mad at her or even jealous, but I am annoyed. And I don’t even want a newborn. I could have gone that route if I chose to, but really I am right where I want to be. I want to be MATTHEW’s mom, not just some random baby. But it is so hard to get to him. And right now it doesn’t feel fair.
Yes, I am reminded that the timing is not for DHR to say or even Korea ultimately, but God’s. And that DOES help. Especially when I remember all the other bad things that happened that led me straight to Matthew. But it still stings. It stings a lot.
So like I do when I am in limbo and awaiting news, I wander around the house, not getting much of anything done, glued to the computer in case my social worker e-mails me something (good or bad, just something!!). And all I can concentrate on are the matching Christmas pajamas that I bought for Matthew and Isaac and how I don’t know if I can stand it if they aren’t wearing them and posing for a picture for me by a Christmas tree this year.