Today I had my annual appointment with my “lady doctor”. (That is the most discreet way I can think of to say that, it is not actually what I call her, as a matter of fact, I find the word “lady” a little bit weird!).
ANYwhooooo……you can imagine, I had a lot of time while sitting in the waiting room to reminisce about my pregnancy(ies). The elevator ride up to the 7th floor reminded me that I used to have to will myself not to throw up on that ride every time during my pregnancy with Isaac….everything made me sick. I remembered the day I got an ultrasound and was told, “sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. I remembered walking into the hallway and looking out a window while I called Jason on my cell phone to tell him that news. I remembered finding out we were having a boy, and I remembered my last OB appointment when they sent me over to Labor and Delivery to have my baby.
I am around pregnant women a lot. I teach 2 prenatal water aerobics classes every week. I am normally not at all nostalgic or wistful about pregnancy. I am actually pretty confident that our family is about as big as it is ever going to be, and I am happy about that. A part of me is very excited that the boys are so close in age and that we are reaching a very, very fun stage in their lives….where traveling is a little bit easier and we don’t live and die by naptime.
But for a little while today, I missed that time. I saw the glowing women, the excitement as they got to hear the heartbeat. Granted, the only time I “glowed” was due to the cold sweat I broke out in every time I puked…..still, there was so much that was beautiful about that time. A small part of me began to mourn all that I didn’t get to experience with Matthew. Hearing that heartbeat, seeing him on an ultrasound, feeling those kicks….that sweet newborn time, and so much more.
During my appointment, talk rolled around to birth control. I told my doctor that we were 99.9% sure that we were done. And she said, “but you’re not ready to close the door yet”. And that was exactly it. And I was surprised to say it. But it’s true.
Right now, we’re done, we’re complete, and we are so very happy this way. And the door is pretty much closed…..but let’s not lock it just yet.