Every day the wonderful happens…

and I'm here to blog about it.

So Much to Say March 30, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Elizabeth @ 12:12 PM

….so little that is of any relevance.

I have a lot of things rolling through my head today that I wanted to blog about. Jason and I had our first date night since Matthew came home–an amazing night with a leisurely dinner out and the house to ourselves when we returned home. (Matthew spent the night with my mom and Isaac with my aunt).

An absolutely gorgeous day spent outside on Saturday with both boys where we got a lot done (23 bags of mulch and way more to go), had a lot of fun, and had one of those days that made being a mom feel easy.

A yucky stomach virus that affected Isaac for a mere 35 minutes but knocked me flat on my back for 24 hours. It got to my aunt, but Jason, Matthew, and my mom seem to have escaped it….for now.

But there is one thing that happened on Friday that is still ringing in my ears. One sentence uttered from Isaac’s mouth that tells me we have a lot of work to do around here. Who even knows how or what happened to prompt this, but we had been playing outside and we decided to go out for ice cream (these plans were promptly changed when Isaac suddenly threw up in the car on the way there). I loaded the boys up in the car, buckled them in and came inside to get my purse. I walked back down, looking so forward to a lovely carefree afternoon out with my boys. Right when I opened the car door, Isaac said to me matter of factly,

“Matthew needs his mommy, but she’s in Korea.”

For a second I felt the wind knocked out of me. Isaac said this a number of times right after Matthew came home, and I consistently reminded him that I was Matthew’s mommy and we were his family. Yet sometimes Isaac still says to me, “Mommy, this is my friend Matthew”. I always say, “Isn’t he your brother too?” because I don’t want to discourage that they are friends!

I calmly told Isaac that Matthew does have a mommy in Korea, but she couldn’t take care of him, so now I will be his mommy and we will be his family. He responded, “oh yeah, ya wight, ya wight, mommy”. (Translation: you’re right) And that was that…..for then.

I know it’s confusing to him because we still talk about and look at pictures of Matthew’s foster mother (omma) and I’m sure he can’t imagine that SHE couldn’t take care of Matthew. It is hard to explain that there are 3 mothers in this story and how and why they all fit in.

I think Jason and I have fooled ourselves into thinking it isn’t worth getting too detailed in our explanations because the boys won’t understand. But I am realizing 2 things now. 1)Isaac definitely understands A LOT. It is silly to underestimate him. And Matthew understands more and more every day. 2)I think that it would be a great idea to talk about it a lot now while they don’t understand every detail. It gives us the experience and time to tell the story over and over tweaking it when needed and learning the best way to tell it.

I think it’s also time to bring out the book When You Were Born in Korea to help us as we talk to BOTH boys. Thankfully I am getting started on Matthew’s lifebook right now to help us make a personal memory book about the 2.5 years he spent in Korea before he joined our family. I know that both of these are going to be great tools when telling his story.

It was a good wake up call for me. I think it reminded me that I have to carve out time to have these discussions. The boys are not just going to stop riding their tricycles and come ask me to explain this. It broke my heart a little that Isaac still didn’t get it. It broke my heart to think that he might have been telling Matthew in the car that day (not in a mean way, but matter of fact way) that his mommy was somewhere else. It made me feel small that I haven’t taken enough initiative to make sure that every member of our family fully understands Matthew’s story.

So I am committing to getting some conversations started over here….I will let you know how they go!!!

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5 Responses to “So Much to Say”

  1. Yvonne Says:

    Yay for the date and quiet house! And for the mulching! And for working on the lifebook. We have started to have some of those conversations around here too and they aren't easy, but hopefully starting now will help. If you come across any great lifebook tips, please share!

  2. Amber Says:

    Oh, good luck with this tough subject.When you bring them home you just want love to be enough…I am sure you will find the perfect way to bring understanding to these little brothers. Here are two quotes that I have on my blog. I am going to use them throughout life to explain our "family" to my kids.I know that your boys are to young to understand these quotes now but as they grow they will."We Have Always Felt That Family Bonds Are Not Dependent Upon Genetic Connection."-UnknownThe bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.

  3. Wow, Isaac's comment knocked the wind out of ME. I can only imagine how you feel. Good for you to start this conversation early and often. You're right that though they may not understand fully now, you can get good practice at telling it. I think that's really smart and may steal the idea from you! We've told Olive her story several times, on special occasions, but it always feels kinda fruitless. You're making me think twice. Thank you!

  4. That would stop me in my tracks too! You are a great mom and aren't afraid to tackle any discussion. I think lifebooks are a wonderful idea. You've motiviated me to get caught up on mine!

  5. kyungmee Says:

    Hi!It sounds good that you had a date night. They don't come around often thisway iether:) We are going through the stomach virus thing right now:( Yuke..horrible. And I wanted to say that you should not be so hard on yourself..being a parent as you know is a growing..learning experience then add the adoption aspect into it to make it more challenging sometimes:) I still think you are always trying to do the right thing and doing it with such care..a wonderful thing!! Hope you have a wonderful holiday!


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