I started a yoga class last night. My goal was to find something to help me relax. The fact is that I could take some time and relax at certain points during the day, but I don’t. And I won’t. I count blogging and reading as downtime, and while I enjoy them both thoroughly, I need some more intense relaxation. It’s not really in my DNA to just do nothing. Not when there are dishes to wash, laundry to do, and pee to scrub off the front of the toilet (just keeping it real, I have two 3-year old boys, people). I knew that I needed someone to make me relax.
YOU MUST RELAX. NOW!!!! How relaxing, right?
So anyway, I signed up for a class. One night a week for 90 minutes. Six weeks. I had to pay for it, so once I wrote the check I knew I would do it, no matter what, because I’m cheap like that.
The yoga studio is about 1.5 miles from my house. They said to arrive a few minutes early. I looked up directions online. It was literally two turns. So I didn’t write anything down. Mentally I told myself, “Left on Bluebird, Left on Millenia, you’ll see it”.
Even though the place is really close to my house, I gave myself 20 minutes to get there, because I’m high stress and hate to be late. So I go driving along and take my Left on Bluebird (road names changed to protect the idiot road planners and the poor yoga studio that has to put up with me for 5 more weeks). I start looking for Millenia. It should be right here. I drive and drive. Bluebird ends and tries to spit me out onto the interstate. I drive all the way back, looking and looking and find nothing. I have used up 10 minutes and am starting to feel all kinds of tense. I call Jason and ask him to look up the studio website and see if they mention any landmarks. They don’t. The give the same map that I referenced online. He tells me what I already know, which is WRONG. After snapping at him for things that are beyond his control, and driving through a shifty apartment complex to see if there might be a yoga studio hiding behind it, I break down and call the place. Is it just me or is human interaction by phone with a stranger just the WORST? It seems I will do almost anything to avoid it.
“Poorly Located Yoga Studio,” the woman who answers the phone says, in a ridiculously soothing and quiet voice.
“Yes, I am supposed to be there for the 6 o’clock class and I can’t find you.”
“Where are you?”
“I am on Bluebird. I have driven up and down it 3 times and I can’t find you.”
“Ah, yes,” she says with a calm that makes me want to beat my phone on the dashboard. “You’re going to want to go back to Main Street and turn left and go underneath the interstate and take your first left and then you will see us.”
Okay, this makes no sense to me, but I do it. And what I realize is that I was on Bluebird STREET when I should have been on Bluebird DRIVE. And the stupid online mapping program (I won’t name any names, but it rhymes with Floogle) was WRONG. Okay, breathe deep, you will only be a couple of minutes late. Everybody else probably had the same problem.
So I turn onto the correct Bluebird and immediately see the Millenia shopping center/office park type of place. I turn right in and see absolutely no signage. For anything. But it is a 2-story building with lots of doors. Why didn’t I write down the Suite number???
I walk all the way around the first floor of the building. Nothing. Go up the stairs and walk all the way around. Nothing. I am getting so ticked. Suddenly I look up and see an identical building next to it. At this point, I think of calling my friend who referred me to this place, but I am embarrassed at my cluelessness and ashamed at how agitated I am. I walk around both floors of THAT building before breaking down and calling the studio AGAIN.
“Poorly Located Yoga Studio,” my annoyingly soothing friend says again as she answers.
“Yeah, um, it’s me again, trying to get to the 6 o’clock class. Are you in the first building or the second building?”
“We are in the seventh building.”
“The SEVENTH building????”.
“It’s hard on the first night of class, isn’t it?” she says with a smile in her voice, that instead of comforting me makes me feel like an imbecile. Is it just me or when you find yourself in a situation like this, do you somehow feel like you want to defend your intellect? Why don’t I keep a skill sheet or list of accomplishments on me for times like this?
So I drive up to the seventh building, still clueless of the Suite number, although I know soothing lady told me, and I walk around the building twice until I find it. Actually before I see the sign on the door, I walk past a plate glass window to see about 10 people on their yoga mats facing the window STARING AT ME…… How very much THE OPPOSITE of relaxing can this get? The teacher has to get up and help me get settled which is when I realize that she is the only employee there and she has been leaving her yoga mat to answer the phone and everybody in the room realizes I am the jerk who was too stupid to find this place…..and of course, I want to yell, I AM SMART AND I GAVE MYSELF TWENTY MINUTES TO GET HERE, BUT FLOOGLE WAS WRONG, I TELL YOU, IT WAS FLOOGLE’S FAULT!!!!!!
I go find an empty spot in the back, next to a water aerobics friend that I had talked into taking the class with me. Nobody says anything, except for my sweet friend who mouths, how are you? The only responses I could come up with were, late, stressed, stupid and embarrassed, but I am a southerner so I just said fine. Everything is SILENT. Everyone is content to stare at the girl who has dared to be late and noisy in their presence. I unroll my yoga mat and it smacks loudly against the wood floor.
I sit down and try to chill out. I try to listen to this waytoocalmformytaste instructor. Who calls it practice instead of class. Who is comfortable enough to take long pauses when she is speaking and feels no need to fill the silence. Who probably never explodes into a loud, horsey laugh in inappropriate situations. I realize my water is in my bag and suddenly I need it. The class is 90 minutes long and I am already thirsty. I figure they all hate me anyway, so I get up and walk back to the lobby to get it.
Shockingly, I do not get ejected from class.
Believe it or not, things improve and I find I am able to relax for small bits of time. I find that instead of being super annoyed by how calm this teacher is, I am actually kind of impressed. I seriously enjoy corpse pose and child’s pose. How novel to lay on a floor and not have a dog sniffing at me (yes, we still have a dog–long story–and yet another reason I need stress relief) or children jumping on me. Even if that was all I did, it was worth the money.
So we’ll see. I’m determined not to be the biggest loser next week. I will work extra hard to be relaxed and bendy.