Today, during my 1.5 hours of freedom, while the boys are at different preschools and in between all of the carpooling, I am going to drive to a different part of town to take part in a church small group centered around adoption and attachment. We will be studying the book The Connected Child.
And I really, really, really don’t want to go.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy that a group like this is out there. And I am so glad that the leader personally reached out to me and invited me to be a part of it. And I couldn’t deny that the group took place during a time when I could attend (a miracle in itself). And let’s face it, I would be lying if I said I didn’t NEED to go.
So I’m going to go.
But I still don’t want to go.
See, I’m kind of sick of all the WORK. No, let me rephrase that. I am SICK TO DEATH OF ALL THE WORK. I’m sick of reading articles, blogs, books, searching for what is going to make everything “right” with Matthew, with our family.
I just want to do something fun.
I don’t want to stay up until 11 PM reading strategies for dealing with strong willed children. I want to read something funny, suspenseful, romantic. I want to escape. (Okay, in all honesty, I just DEVOURED the Twilight series, but the whole time there was a guilt cloud over my head because I knew I should be reading something more helpful).
Last night, I wanted to watch Project Runway, but I opted for Wo Ai Ni Mommy (which I highly recommend–it is available on the pbs website to watch for free).
On Wednesday mornings, I want to make a standing date with a friend. Not an adoptive mama friend. I want to drink coffee and talk about all the regular ways our kids drive us crazy, and books and movies we want to see and places we want to go. But instead I am going to go to this group. Because I need to. Because Matthew needs me to.
This gig is a whole lot of work. Parenting, in general, is hard as it is, but this is so much more. And I know! I chose this path, I made this bed, I wanted this bicycle, now ride it…..and it’s true. But oh my goodness, how I long for an escape sometimes, a few days that are simply carefree….that are not about work, about making choices every day. Choosing to love, to like, to not snap at (unfortunately sometimes I also choose to snap at), to always answer yes, Matthew, I am here, Mommy is here. Choosing to read the books I don’t want to read, to watch the things I don’t want to watch, to join the groups that I don’t want to join, the groups that I wish I didn’t NEED to join.
And yes, this is just a big old pity party, and it will pass, and yes, I know all of the work will pay off. It already has to some extent…..the adjustment/attachment process ebbs and flows and morphs constantly. Right when you get past one hurdle, it seems there is another waiting. Some better, some worse, but mostly just different.
So I work. And Matthew does too, in his own way. And I hope. And I pray for the payoff soon.