Every day the wonderful happens…

and I'm here to blog about it.

I Was Just Talkin’ Turkey November 28, 2010

Filed under: the holidays,we so crazy — Elizabeth @ 2:24 PM

We hosted Thanksgiving this year for the 4th year in a row.  Over the past 4 years we have had varying attendance as some family has been here, some has been with in laws or out of town, but never, have we ever served turkey.  We always opt for a Honeybaked Ham.  I dare you to find a more delectable main course for your holiday meal (as would the hundreds of people lined up outside their doors every Thanksgiving and Christmas).

*And no, this post is not sponsored by Honeybaked Ham, but if the good folks over there would like to throw some honeybaked goodness my way, I would gladly take it.*

So this year, as we were talking about what to serve and who was going to bring what, the conversations went a little like this.  I said I was going to prepare stuffing, fall to your knees mac and cheese, and Ruthie Crickmer’s corn casserole–and no, we have no idea who Ruthie Crickmer is, but we bless her name every Thanksgiving when we eat her corn casserole.  My aunt said she would be happy to bring the ham, make a pumpkin pie and some sweet potatoes.  I then added dreamily, maybe I’ll make a turkey this year…..

Cause here’s the thing, the hospital I work for gives us a free turkey every Thanksgiving, and I’ve only even picked mine up once.  And that time I gave it away.  I don’t even like turkey, and I knew that even if I made a rockin’ turkey, if it was sitting next to a Honeybaked Ham, it would remain mostly untouched.  I think I was imagining the turkey as a domestic status symbol.  I was going to emerge beautifically from the kitchen with my perfect turkey as my family murmured to each other that the baby of the family had certainly turned into quite the domestic goddess.  They would all forget that a few short years ago, my apartment refrigerator only held Mike’s Hard Lemonade, cheese and Snickers bars.  It wasn’t about the turkey.

But a few days passed and the boys were rowdy and the house was messy and company was coming and I was tired.  What was I thinking making a turkey?  Let’s scratch that.  Besides, the day that we had to go get the turkeys, I had to go to Macy’s to get new boots….with boys in tow.  Yes, I had to.  Do you see these boots?  Look at them–I’ll wait…..

So basically, boots that fierce beat turkey every day and twice on Thanksgiving.

So I laid my dreams of domestic diva-hood to rest and just decided it would have to be enough that I looked hot in my new boots while making the side dishes on Thanksgiving.  Which was FINE.

My fatal error was not telling my aunt all this.  So she calls me on Wednesday with a tremor in her voice.  You didn’t tell me that you decided not to cook a turkey.

Oh dear.

Which led her to buy a small ham.  You know–to be an accessory to a turkey.  A turkey I did not have.  Things got pretty tense.  She opened the ham.  Counted the slices.  We did a head count.  Did some quick math and figured that each person would get 2 pieces of ham. Realized that this felt very unacceptable and knew that I had ruined Thanksgiving.

(hanging head in shame)

By Thursday I guess we all realized that there was nothing to do but laugh about it, so I decided to make a sign to put near the ham platter……


It turned out to be either a miracle of the proportion of the fish and loaves or the slices were much bigger than we initially thought, because there was plenty of ham to go around and even enough for leftovers.

However, the jokes continued.  I made this sign for our refrigerator.

We made constant references to the ham famine and ham rationing.  I offered Jason my ham portions in exchange for him taking over childcare duties for the evening.  We cautioned each other to stop in the name of ham.  I think we might even get some t-shirts printed up saying “I survived the Great Ham Famine of 2010”.  We laughed and laughed and laughed, until you wouldn’t have thought it was funny anymore….until it shouldn’t have been funny anymore….but it still was.  Maybe it really wasn’t that funny except that we were drinking all that wine….all that wine Aunt Chris bought that was supposed to go great with turkey.

Anyway, it was a great Thanksgiving and I still stand by my decision not to cook the bird.


6 Responses to “I Was Just Talkin’ Turkey”

  1. christine m tomberlin Says:

    Well, this is a bit of revisionist history. I said I would bring the turkey and you reminded me that your work gives you one and you WOULD make a turkey this year.” Then you later unilaterally decided not to make turkey “because nobody likes turkey.” What am I…chopped liver?! Anyway, it was a great time anyway…I think that turkey wine made everything better!

  2. Kristen Says:

    Two thoughts…

    First, those boots were completely worth it.

    Second, some of my favorite holiday memories involve cooking disasters (the year my mom put the turkey in the oven, but forget to turn it on comes to mine)…I’m sure the Ham Rationing of 2010 will make you all laugh for years to come and that’s better than turkey any day.

  3. Gloria Riley Says:

    That’s hilarious, Elizabeth! Loved every word of it. Keep writing.

  4. Elizabeth Says:

    Definitely a Thanksgiving for the books!
    And sigh… I’m on a quest for the perfect boots, and those make me drool a little bit 🙂

  5. Grace Says:

    you are too funny, elizabeth! i regularly have dreams of being seen as a domestic goddess and then the actual amount of work it takes to do said goddess work is enough to snap me back to reality. 😉
    love the boots…i’ve actually seen them at macy’s but bought a pair of slouchy black boots last year, so i couldn’t justify a purchase. i love the little pocket. it’s the perfect size for an ID. you know, for when you go clubbing in your sassy boots 😉

  6. Kelly Says:

    Ha! I love this story. You will be telling it for years! I really hope you saved that sign for posterity 🙂 And, I agree the boots were totally worth it. Now show us a photo of you in them! Ya know on your way to the dance club with just your ID stuffed in the boot pocket (as Grace suggested).

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