- Isaac was kneeling in front of the coffee table playing trains, and when he stood up, the corner of the coffee table scratched him right in the chest. He shrieked, OW!!!, and I said, “where did it get you buddy?”. He clutched his chest and said, “right here where God lives”.
- Jason and I went on our honeymoon to a well-known all-inclusive resort chain in the Caribbean. They had random entertainment at night and one night there was supposed to be a comedian, and Jason and I decided to go. The word “comedian” was used loosely in this case, because I don’t remember a whole lot of funny going on. Actually, looking back, I would say that the word “entertainment” was used rather loosely as well. Anyway, we went. Let’s remember this was our honeymoon. Now how should I put this delicately? I was wearing a knee-length sundress…..and not much else. I was gonna surprise my groom later that night with that revelation. But alas, he was going to find out on a different schedule. The “comedian” called me up on stage to be a part of the “entertainment”. Oy. There was some sort of dance routine that I was to be a part of. I went up. I was a good sport. Little did I know that the dance would end with a gratuitous dip. Let’s just say that Jason got his surprise right along with everyone else in the audience. I can never show my face in Antigua again…..not that it’s my face they all remember.
- I swear sometimes that motherhood is preparing me to be a detective. The kids tell me things that make no sense and I am charged with figuring it all out. Today, Isaac woke up from his nap and immediately told me, “I don’t know how to sing my body anymore. I know my body, but I can’t sing it”. After assessing him for signs of stroke and checking his button box for peyote (both negative), I realized I needed to figure this out because it meant something to him–it must because he kept repeating it over and over, with slight agitation. After some questioning, it was revealed that he had forgotten the lyrics to the second half of “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes”. I told him I would be happy to sing it for him and teach him the rest, but he shrugged and walked away saying, “maybe tomorrow”.
- Once I peed in a bathroom stall with Janeane Garofalo standing right outside. Don’t worry–she had already peed….I didn’t cut in line. How that came about was that my aunt bought tickets to go see her at a bar here. My aunt buys tickets to everything…..you know, because “they” say that this is gonna be a great show. Can’t miss!!! And I’m not really sure who “they” are, (Dr. Oz, NPR, and Prevention Magazine are definitely included), but “they” talk to my aunt A LOT…about EVERYTHING. As the show loomed closer, she began to realize that she and my uncle would most likely be the only 60 year olds in the room, so she offered the tickets to me and Jason. Which was probably wise seeing as I was only 32 at the time and balked at the fact that there were no chairs and we had to stand for the entire show. That’s really the extent of my story. I know it’s underwhelming, but I saw that she is going to be in some new crime show and it made me remember and I feel it’s important to memorialize bathroom run-ins with celebrities in writing.
- I used to have stress dreams all the time. In college, I would continuously dream that I was in my organic chemistry lab without a shirt or a bra on. I would be trying to discreetly cover myself while performing the lab, hoping no one would notice. After college, I would dream that I had forgotten that I was in school and hadn’t been to class all quarter and tests were coming up. I haven’t had very many stress dreams since becoming a stay at home mom, but I did have one last night. I dreamt that Matthew’s foster mother and sister were here visiting and I was making dinner for them (along with my big, crazy family). EVERYBODY was in the kitchen and wouldn’t get out. Jason was insisting on making some dish that he claimed was sentimental to him from his childhood, which was especially annoying to me since I had never heard of said dish until I was ready to make a pre-planned meal. He kept ruining the food (ingredients that I needed for my meal) and making a mess. I was spending all my time cleaning up after him and wasn’t getting anything done, and as he trashed all my ingredients, I was racking my brain trying to figure out what I was going to cook while trying to remain calm on the surface. Then my aunt had a mini stroke while she was standing at the sink talking to me, which was troubling for multiple reasons–the stroke, obviously was a downer, but also she was rendered frozen there and I was unable to use my sink. Then Matthew’s foster mom screamed in broken English, “EXCUSE ME, is this how dinnertime is every night in your house?”. Superfun to study the evolution of stress dreams, isn’t it? Oh, and by the way–Mom, you don’t need to call me and tell me that I need anti-depressants and therapy. This is old news–one day I’ll get on that. Oh, and one more thing, Mom–I’m sorry I wrote about flashing my whoosywhatsit on my honeymoon. I know that couldn’t have been a proud moment for you.
- I have always wanted to write a book. Back in the day, (what day, you ask? well, the days before blogging…or maybe there was blogging going on, but I had yet to realize that the internet was good for anything other than music “sharing”. *tips hat to Napster*). Anywhoooo, I would write funny essays about the guys I dated and the crazy things that my sister and I would get into. I always said I wanted to compile it all into a book. Of course now, I look back on those essays from much wilder times in my life and know that the book would have to be written under a pen name! Anyway, one night my sister and I were out singing karaoke, as we were wont to do. It was so noisy in there, you couldn’t hear anything. She had the perfect idea for the name of my book. She screamed it in my ear. I could not make out what she was saying, but I thought she said I should call my book “Never Wear Panties on a Car Date”. I have no idea what that means (or even what a car date is), but we wrote it down on the back of a karaoke slip and have remembered it all these years. The ironic thing is we can’t remember actual name of the book she thought of. We have now amended the prospective book title to “Never Wear Panties on a Car Date and other Drunken Misunderstandings”. I think it’s totally catchy and whatnot.