Isaac has a new game.
Hold up, because “game” really implies that this new activity is fun. Let me start over…..
Isaac has a new annoying habit.
(Bless his heart.)
We’ll call it “Let’s Pretend”. Now, I am all about some pretend play. Who doesn’t love pretending? We do pretend parties multiple times per day, he gives voice to his Thomas trains, I’ve even had to be Sir Topham Hatt and give him orders while he rides his bike. Heck, I’ve even had to pretend to be Spencer and race him (on foot) while he rides his bike. This, he asks, of a woman with stress incontinence.
The utter cruelty.
But even that would be preferable to the new game. I think he came up with it as he has recently discovered his joy of bossing people around teaching people new things. Either that or he is a demented genius who has been formulating the exact way to drive me over the edge.
We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s the former.
“Let’s Pretend” started out innocently enough. One day while he was playing trains and I was plotting out my Words with Friends strategy, he said, “let’s pretend you don’t know what the Island of Sodor is”. Now I can’t just sit there stupidly and wait to hear. I have to inquire in an interested fashion, “Now tell me about this island where all of your trains live,” while he looks down trying to suppress a huge smile.
Actually, it was kind of cute when it started. He was just wanting me to be more engaging.
But then it got more constant.
Let’s pretend you’ve never seen a turntable.
Let’s pretend you didn’t know that tracks could have hills.
Let’s pretend you don’t know who Cranky is.
(I apologize for all of this in-depth train lingo!)
Okay, fine, the game is rather annoying, but I’ll play along. Then we had company on Saturday and my child is yelling over the adult conversation:
Let’s pretend you don’t know who Thomas is! When you hear PEEP PEEP, you ask, “what’s that noise?”.
Let’s pretend you didn’t know trains could talk! When they talk, you ask, who is that talking!!
Then at dinner (a time when I really couldn’t be any more engaging than I already am–I mean, it’s not like my tortellini is all that interesting)…..
Let’s pretend you’ve never seen honeydew.
Let’s pretend you’ve never tried water.
Let’s pretend you don’t know how to use a fork.
At this point, I am beginning to think that if there is alien life out there, and if they really do abduct people to learn more about the human race, that they would hit the jackpot by abducting Isaac. He would be able to teach them about everything. And they wouldn’t even have to pretend! They don’t know what the Island of Sodor is! They don’t know what water is! They would think he’s their captive audience–they don’t have a clue!
Now, I’m not saying I want my kid to be abducted by an alien. But on the off-chance that he is abducted by aliens, it would be good if they would take him on an afternoon when an “Income Property” marathon is showing on HGTV. I mean, I might as well get to put the quiet time to good use.
Oh dear. I think I got off on a tangent there.
So anyway, he started up again today at 6:45 AM. But throughout the day, he added a twist to the game.
Let’s pretend I don’t know what Wowbutter is.
Let’s pretend I’ve never brushed my teeth.
Let’s pretend I’ve never seen Clifford before.
Then, and I kid you not, after lunch, he plopped down in the living room floor, and his face glazed over into a blank look and said, “Let’s pretend I’ve never done anyfing”.
I played along for a minute, but I didn’t think he was going to settle for anything less than me re-teaching him every skill set he’s acquired over the past 4 and a half years. Since that wasn’t going to happen, I herded him upstairs for nap time.
He plopped down in the hallway saying, “Let’s pretend I don’t know how to walk”.
So here’s what I’m thinking. Let’s pretend we’re trying to lure an alien spaceship to our house. Let’s pretend that aliens really like to eat Little Debbies…star crunches to be exact. Let’s pretend that the next time an “Income Property” marathon comes on, we will cover our roof with Star Crunches to lure the aliens in….on the off-chance that they are out trolling for hapless humans to teach them about life on our planet.