For the past few months, I’ve been agitated. It’s better now, which is why I can write about it, but it’s probably one of the reasons I’ve been a terrible blogger lately. After a few months of Isaac doing so well, his tics returned. With a vengeance at first, and then they kind of leveled off to a somewhat “normal” level.
I noticed, Jason noticed, but what broke my heart was Isaac noticing.
Mom, my toe taps are back. Why are they back?
And I had no answers. And that is the hardest thing about being a mom–when you just don’t have the answers. I’m actually surprised at how agitated the situation was making me. I wasn’t angry AT Isaac, obviously. I was angry FOR him, and I was angry that we’ve worked so hard and saw him get well and now it felt like we were back at square one. I withdrew because I didn’t want to talk about it. I spent my spare time trying to get 3 stars on every level of Angry Birds because, well because I just didn’t know what else to do.
Every night we would pray that God would take his toe taps away, and every day he would ask me why they were still there, why didn’t God take them away.
One morning we were getting ready for church and Isaac asked me why I thought his toe taps were back. Swallowing down a sob, I told him that I really didn’t know and I really didn’t understand but that I was working very hard to try to figure it out. As he put on his shoes, he lit up and said, “I have an idea! I think I’ve figured it out!”. He jumped straight up in the air and shouted, “I think God just made me this way!!!!”.
Color me humbled.
And wouldn’t you know what his memory verse at church was that morning: I praise you, because you made me wonderful.
And he was made wonderfully. And to the point of complete perfection. And while these things agitate me out of a loving, motherly concern for him, Isaac is an amazing and resilient child. At the age of 5, he is certain that his God makes no mistakes.
A few nights ago, after the boys went to bed, I was straightening up the coffee table and found a stack of papers that Isaac had been writing on while I prepared dinner. It was mostly standard stuff–his name….his favorite color…..stick figures…..silky…..and then I found this…..
which tells me all I really need to know about this child of mine.
Tics or no tics, in sunshine and rain, Isaac is happy.