Tonight I took my first Zumba class. Yes, I’m always a few years behind the trends. I didn’t read the Twilight series until after Eclipse came out at the theaters. I was late to blogging and to Facebook. So it’s only natural that I’m way behind on the Zumba craze. On the way there, I was worried that I would love it and immediately want to be a Zumba teacher. That’s how it went with Mary Kay….and water aerobics. If I like something, I jump on board big time! Heck, I decided to go a couple meals without eating meat, gluten, and dairy, and I’ve been doing it for a month now. That’s just how I roll.
But never fear, dear reader. Zumba teaching is not in my future. Not remotely. Although I do plan to return to class and jiggle uncoordinatedly (not a word? well it should be) on the back row. Here are just some of the reasons you won’t find me teaching a Zumba class…..
- I would never be able to master that excited, open-mouthed, cocky look that dancers get. You know the one. Just picture any child dancer from the Star Search years. Cannot do it. Don’t want to.
- I don’t ever want these words to cross my lips: Get your freak on, Miss Alice!!
- My left hand is not capable of doing jazz hands. And although my right hand can successfully get jazzy, my arm fat jiggles and makes me self-conscious.
- When I’m supposed to be jiggling my chest, like a Latin diva, nothing happens up there. For many reasons–I don’t have a lot going on in the first place and secondly, I was wearing a sports bra. But the fact that my rear end was jiggling gratuitously when my chest should have been….well, that was just weird.
- I could not point at the class participants and believably tell them they look hot or sexy. I mean, as a fitness instructor, I try to be encouraging, but I do draw the line somewhere. Frankly when I got told that I was looking sexy, it made me blush and wonder if I should dial it back a little.
- I would be afraid that if I was ever out dancing at a wedding or a club (that’s actually laughable–I will probably never enter another club in my life!) that I would do Zumba moves.
- Can we just get real here for a minute? Are you okay with that? So I’ve birthed a baby. My lower organs are damaged goods. I tee tee a little bit every time I sneeze or God forbid, jump, and this class had a lot of bouncing. Let’s just say, that I’m pretty sure that the English translation of Zumba is: don’t forget your Depends.
- My poor rhythm and coordination are obvious roadblocks for me. I figure that my workout was 30% better than most peoples though, because if I couldn’t get my feet to do the right moves, I would just move them about as quickly as I could, hoping that all the teacher would see was a crazy blur of unshaved legs and capri pants.
Alas, I shall leave Zumba instruction to the professionals. You can find me on the back row getting my freak on with Miss Alice. Well not with her….oh, you know what I mean.
But I would like to get some of those superfly, hip hop Zumba pants……a girl can dream.